


our story had only begun

by freedomatsea



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Turned Into a Ghost, F/M, Ghost Sex, I blew it with smut in the first chapter, IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SPOILED, Love Never Dies lyrics as the title?, Post-Canon Fix-It, Smut, TRoS Spoilers, You better believe it, background finnpoe - Freeform, do not read
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-18 08:44:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21841426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freedomatsea/pseuds/freedomatsea
Summary: TROS SPOILERS!! DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SPOILED. Fix-It fic that picks up shortly after the credits roll. I will update this summary once the embargo is lifted next week.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 59
Kudos: 303





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I still feel like I've been living a fever dream. I've been deathly ill for two days and wrote this, this morning in the midst of consuming the bleak confirmation of leaks and a horrible fever. I totally jumped the gun with smut in this chapter, but whatever. ENJOY! I'll probably write more after I see the mess for myself Thursday.
> 
> Basic Summary: Rey is haunted by Ben's spirit and ventures on a journey to correct the ending of their story.

The victory celebrations had been too much for her. She lingered along the fringe of the merriment, watching as Finn and Poe clung to each other — celebrating the fact that they were both alive. What did that even feel like? What she and Ben had had, it was so brief, so fleeting — she never even learned what it felt like to settle into his arms. To hold him, to celebrate with him, to love him.

It was all too much for her. She had a task to complete — a story to end. Alone. Just as it had begun. She didn’t even say goodbye to her friends, they’d understand. She needed time. 

Tatooine reminded her Jakku. Sand, dry and course, filtering into every crevice of the moisture farm she took up residence in, grit caught beneath her fingernails — it felt like home. Discomfort a strange friend, a consolation prize for surviving. 

_Rey_. 

It started one afternoon as she tried to rest; a sandstorm bearing down against the little hovel, making her attempts to work useless. 

Her name, whispered in the wind. 

_Rey_. 

She searched the house over, checked BB-8’s programming, only to find that she was truly alone. No one was whispering her name, least of all _him_.

Rey curled onto her cot, face pressed into her hands as she sobbed. Regret flooded her anew — if she hadn’t severed their bond, if she’d left the door open and worked to turn him sooner. He’d still be alive. A boy with the most dazzling smile. He had gone through so much pain and in the end, she wore his agony like a cloak. Wallowing in his memory. 

_Don’t cry, Rey._

“Ben?” She gulped, choking on a sob as she opened her eyes and looked around her room frantically. There was no one there. 

_Please don’t cry for me Rey. I’m at peace… or something close to it._

Rey blinked and wiped at her eyes, looking around again. “Ben, where are you?” 

_I don’t know_. 

“I can hear you.” Rey hiccuped and wiped at her nose as her eyes flickered around the room frantically. It felt like a prickle at first, the hair on her right arm standing on end — a soothing touch that chilled her to the bone. “I can feel you.”

_I don’t understand it either. I can feel you too._

“Why can’t I see you?” Rey questioned, her fingers moving to her arm — but there was only her own skin there. “I have seen Force Ghosts before. And this… this isn’t like that.”

_I was with you. Celebrating. Watching them celebrate. FN— Finn and Poe Dameron. I felt your… jealousy._

Rey let out a sputtery laugh and sank down on the edge of her bed. “I had wished you were there. That we could be celebrating a new life together.”

She swore she felt the bed shift behind her, a ghost like chill enveloping her like he’d settled himself around her. She felt dwarfed in the chill, but she leaned into it desperately. “You’re here.” Rey whispered.

 _So it would seem._ Cold lips touched the curve of her neck. _What does it feel like?_

“Cold.” Rey admitted. “Your voice feels like it’s in my mind. Wait! I want to try something.” She closed her eyes, because it made sense to, and she focused her thoughts internally. _Can you hear me?_

_Yes, I can._

“Can you see what I see?” She questioned aloud, even though she apparently didn’t have to. 

_I can see you. I can feel you. But it’s muted. Like our bond._

Rey’s brows furrowed. _Is it our bond? Could Death not sever it?_ Her mind returned to that dreadful moment — waking in his arms, that rush of joy seeing him smiling down at her. The faint brush of his lips before… he was gone. 

_Were you just thinking about when I… died?_

“Yes,” Rey sniffled a little and wiped at her eyes. “Can you see what I’m thinking too?” She felt a faint blush rise to her cheeks. 

_I think I can. I don’t understand how any of this works. In all that I have learned, I’ve never encountered a situation like this. It’s almost as though I’m present within—_

Rey’s thoughts caught him off guard. Curious to see what he could see within her mind, her thoughts turned to something more _creative_. What she would prefer to be doing with him right now. Giving in to that latent pull of desire between them. She had never been kissed before that first and last kiss from him. Her imagination was fueled purely by the smutty holobooks she’d encountered on Jakku and the few times she’d accidentally witnessed a coupling on the Rebel base. But she wanted him to see into her mind — to know what impossible things she yearned for.

At best, she knew her own body well enough — she substituted his hands for her own in the fantasy. 

_Fuck_. Ben swore through their connection. _Don’t stop_. 

Rey felt a rush of desire course through her and she wondered for a fleeting moment if it was his own as well. It felt different than the heat that coiled in her belly, a different sort of tingling up her spine. 

“I’ve lost my mind haven’t I?” Rey whispered as she swore she felt his hand cup her breast through her loose tunic. She leaned back against nothing but air, but she swore up and down she could feel him there. Was she so deep in her grief that she’d conjured up this fantasy where he was with her? To fill the hollow ache in her chest. 

Rey gasped as the scene playing out in her mind shifted and transformed. Ben had taken control of it. They were back on his ship — back before they had defeated Snoke, before everything truly went _wrong_. He’s stopped the elevator, pressed her back against the wall. 

_I should’ve kissed you then_. His voice drawls out in her mind, causing her to shiver at the timber of his voice. The image in her mind is so vivid, she knows what his lips feel like — knows how it could’ve been. His towering frame pressing her into the harsh metal wall, hands wandering. 

Rey let out a quiet moan as she slid her hand into her leggings, fingers desperately working against her slick flesh. “ _Ben_.” She whispered, sinking back into the cool embrace of him, giving him full control of their shared fantasy. She felt delirious, determined to find release in something that had never been given a chance.

 _Are you going to come for me?_ She could feel his lips brushing her ear, his voice echoing in her mind. He’s on his knees in their fantasy, a leg thrown over his shoulder, and he’s devouring her right there in the lift — fanning the flames in her belly. She’s so close. 

“Yes!” She gasped, fingers working over her clit in a desperate attempt to get herself there. “Come with me. _Please_.” Rey whispered. She wanted him to feel the same pleasure. To feel the warmth of contentment. 

_I—_ Ben started to say, but focused instead on their fantasy. His mouth and his fingers working in tandem to bring her right to the edge. Rey cried out, her own fingers bringing her to release. 

Rey started to lean back against him once more, but instead fell back against the wall and clinked her head against it. “Ow!” The rush of pleasure in her veins was quickly forgotten by the dull thud of pain in the back of her head. “Where’d you go?” Her voice wavered. 

_I’m still here._ His fingers touch her cheek, like cool tendrils from somewhere far off. 

Rey blinked slowly as she looked around the room, still expecting to find him there. “What happened?”

_It’s not… I can’t explain it. It ebbs and flows. Like the currents of the Force. I can feel what you feel, that’s all I can feel._

“You mean—” An awkward sort of anxiety curled in her stomach and she frowned. “You can only feel what I feel? So you can’t…?”

It’s quiet for a long time. So long that Rey sinks back onto her small cot and convinces herself that she’s imagined it all. It’s almost certainly insane that she can hear him, feel him—

_When I died, I think I gave you my essence. My Uncle once taught us about what happens once a Force user gives in to death. You become one with the Force, but I… It wasn’t an option for me, Rey. There was no after once I died. The Force didn’t welcome me._

Rey felt fresh tears spring to her eyes. “You should’ve left me to die.” 

_Don’t say that. You deserved to live! I knew what would happen. I did it for you. I did it to give you a chance._

“But what if you’re stuck like this?” Rey questioned, wiping furiously at her tears. “What if you can never find peace? It’s not fair that you’d be stuck to watch me live.”

 _Death is no different than life. It isn’t fair._ Ben felt sorrow at those words and Rey could feel it resonate through her very being. _Don’t let this keep you from living, Rey. Please. Live your life. For me._

“ _No_!” Rey snarled then, “I’ll find a way to bring you back. If you’re still here with me, you aren’t one with the Force. You aren’t really gone.”

 _Rey_.

“No. I won’t just give up.”

_Go back to your friends! Make a life for yourself._

Rey forcefully pushed at the edges of her mind, shoving at his own thoughts. “Don’t you dare give up! You earned a chance at a new life. There has to be a way.”

_I gave my life to you, Rey. There isn’t a way. In all of my education in the Jedi ways, it’s never been done._

“Then I’ll study the Sith.” Rey snapped and the edge to her own voice startled her. “There has to be a way. I refuse to accept that you’re just gone.”

_Rey, please… I shouldn’t have revealed myself. I should’ve stayed quiet._

“And watched from within my mind?” Rey countered, pushing at the fringes of her consciousness once more. “Sat idly by as I grieved for something I never had?”

Ben shifted within her mind, a sensation that almost reminded her of the unfurling of his cape. _I wanted a life with you Rey. I wanted it all. It isn’t fair. That our story turned out this way. Our course could’ve been so different._

Rey turned onto her stomach and buried her face into her pillow. But it didn’t muffle his voice. Didn’t block out the words that filled her mind. 

_We could’ve ruled the galaxy or run away from it all. Changed our names. Rebuilt the Jedi Order with the balance we are made of. But those paths were never real. They were cruel fantasies given to us by a puppet master. Twisting us into a weapon. You can’t let him win, not after everything._

“You were half of me, Ben. When you died I felt like part of my soul was torn in two.” It was so surreal to speak of it with such absolutism. He had been her enemy for longer than he’d been anything else. Anything more than a whisper of a hopeful dream. A glimpse into a different life. Where the world hasn’t been cruel to him, where she hadn’t been discarded under the guise of salvation. “When you died, part of me died. I can’t go _back_.”

 _Rey_ —

“No! You don’t understand it. I can’t go back and help rebuild a galaxy that you’re not part of. I can’t go back and watch Finn and Poe explore their relationship with one another. I can’t be the friend they need to support them. I’m broken. Let me have this, Ben. Let me have this impossible mission. Let me wander and study and _try_ to find a way to bring you back.”

_Luke once told me that Obi-Wan Kenobi had salvaged some of the Jedi Archives. He believed them to be stored in Alderaan, which was destroyed by my grandfather. But that’s not where they were hidden. Naboo. The one place Obi-Wan knew my grandfather wouldn’t return once he lost Padmé. It is possible that these archives may lend you guidance. But the Jedi— they didn’t believe they could outplay death. I doubt that—_

Rey was already off the cot and tugging her boots back on, “BB-8, get the ship ready to travel to Naboo.”

BB-8 beeped in confusion.

“No time to explain. Set us the fastest course there. Don’t relay our location to Finn and Poe.”

_Don’t get your hopes up, Rey._

_I would rather cling to hope than accept that this is the end of your story. The end of our story._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Is this actually a fic or am I just using it as a guise to process my unimaginable pain?  
> Also Me: SINCE SOMEONE BARELY HAD ANY LINES, I'LL LET HIM WAX PHILOSOPHICALLY IN THIS. 
> 
> I love all of your comments and once I'm not in horrible pain from whatever illness has inflicted itself upon me I'll get to replying to you all! I see the movie in full tomorrow and man-oh-man am I not prepared. 
> 
> Don't forget, once you've seen the movie give your review on IMDB, Letterbox, and Rotten Tomatoes. 
> 
> <3

_ Are you going to answer that _ ? Ben questioned as Rey’s gaze flickered to the flashing red com light on the control panel.

“No.” She said flatly and turned the chair to fiddle with several other controls, adjusting their settings. “I’m sure it’s Finn worrying about why I bounced and haven’t been back in communication.”

_ You shouldn’t worry them. You have people who care about you.  _

Rey sighed and shook her head. “They won’t understand, Ben. I can’t deal with them right now. Besides, I have you.” She smirked a little when she could sense a rush of irritation that she knew to be his and not her own. 

It was surreal, the way she could feel the faintest impressions of his emotions through whatever  _ this _ was. It was not dissimilar from the bond they’d once held through the Force. She’d been able to feel him, like ripples of emotion through the Force. Even separated. Even in that time after she’d shut him out — she’d been able to sense him. That hadn’t severed.

Now, he was everywhere around her and within her, and nowhere at all. 

“Do you think there’s a chance we’ll find anything on Naboo?” Rey questioned as she adjusted the thruster settings and sank back in the pilot seat. 

_ I don’t know. Like I said, the Jedi didn’t believe in defying the laws of death. They believed in accepting your fate.  _

“But you’re not really dead, are you?” Rey questioned.

_ I don’t know.  _

“That’s what I thought.” She smirked a little, closing her eyes as she felt the whisper of a touch against her cheek. “I’m not giving up hope. As long as I’m alive, I’ll work on finding a way to bring you back to me.”

_ I don’t want you to waste your life on me, Rey. _

“It’s not  _ wasting _ my life.” Rey insisted. “It’s proving to you that someone cares about you. You gave your life for me, after  _ everything _ . You deserved more time.” She shook her head and sniffed a little. “I’m not crying anymore.” She waved her hand through the cool spot against her cheek, like she was batting his hand away. 

_ I don’t want you to cry over me.  _ Ben grumbled.  _ I hate this.  _

Rey rolled her eyes. “Then let me find a way to bring you back. No matter where I have to look.”

_ Just, don’t lose yourself. If you do find a way, I still want you to be there when I come back.  _

“We’ll go to Naboo, check out these hidden archives and… figure out where to go next.” Rey said resolutely, flipping a switch on the console. Her gaze flickered to the flashing red com button. She really  _ should _ listen to the transmission, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. 

* * *

Sabé was a surprisingly spry woman for her age. Rey didn’t ask, but she assumed the woman was in her late eighties and yet she moved with such light and determined steps — so much so, that she would’ve never guessed her age. She was the cautious sort, even now that there was relative peace in the galaxy. The First Order cast out to the edges of the galaxy. 

“And  _ who _ was it that informed you of the collection?” Sabé questioned as she eyed the lightsaber hilt at her hip. 

“Ben.”

“ _ Kenobi _ ?”

Rey shook her head solemnly, “Solo.”

Sabé’s eyes widened at the mention of the surname. “It’s a shame, what became of him. The path he followed down. What do you intend to do with collection?”

“I’m looking for an answer,” Rey chewed on her bottom lip. “I lost someone I… someone I think I could’ve loved.” 

Ben curled the cool tendrils of his touch around her fingers,  _ Oh, Rey. I lo— _

_ Not now.  _ Rey countered back.  _ When we’re alone.  _

“And what is the answer that you seek?” Sabé questioned, a curious brow arching upwards. 

“I know it’s unlikely, but I’m hoping that there may be something in the archives that might have information about bringing someone back from the dead.” Rey’s voice wavered slightly and she curled her fingers around the nearly-invisible touch at her hand. 

“ _ Interesting _ .” Sabé continued leading her down a winding staircase into the basement of the building. “I’m sure you know  _ why _ the texts were brought here then?”

“Vaguely.” Rey shrugged, “Everyone knows the legends about Darth Vader. I know what little General Organa imparted about her  mother, about her death.”

“Padmé was an  _ incredible _ woman.” Sabé explained quietly. “She and Anakin both let love cloud their better judgement.” She paused in front of a secured door. Sabé removed a chain from around her neck and presented Rey with a key. “Myself and an associated worked tirelessly to gather information about her death. When Obi-Wan delivered these archives to me, he told me everything—”

_ My grandfather believed that he could find a way to stop death by following the path of the Dark Side.  _

Rey blinked at Sabé, realizing that Ben’s voice had drowned out the woman’s. “Do you know what is in the texts?”

Sabé shook her head, “No. I am not a Jedi, I never looked into the archives myself. Obi-Wan only requested that they were protected, should something happen to him.” She reached out and took Rey’s hand, placing the key into her hand. “I have a question for you.”

“Yes?” Rey curled her fingers around the key, looking up at the woman. 

“What became of him?”

“Obi-Wan?” 

Sabé shook her head. “The Padmé’s grandson.”

Rey swallowed thickly. “He died.” The truth of those words felt like a knife between her ribs. “He sacrificed himself for me.”

“Then I hope you find what you’re looking for.” 

Rey stepped past the woman and unlocked the door. It wasn’t a terribly grand room — the architecture matched the rest of the Nabooian style, but it was clearly nothing more than basement room turned archive. 

“Thank you.” Rey said quietly, stepping into the room and reaching to switch the light on. It flickered ominously as she glanced around the room. 

_ Strange to think that we are the first people to touch these archives in decades.  _

“I know.” Rey whispered, glancing back over her shoulder smiling faintly at Sabé. “Thank you, Sabé. For letting me looking at these.”

“Good luck.” She said with a nod of her head before she left the threshold, leaving Rey and Ben alone. 

Rey rolled her shoulders, drawing in a shaky breath as her eyes darted around the room. There wasn’t very many volumes there. Less than a hundred. They had been neatly placed into bookcases — a protective casing placed over them. For a fleeting moment she thought of Jakku — how much she could get out of loot like this. Survival. An instinct that ran deep within her.

_ Don’t even think about it.  _ Ben chastised and she could almost picture the look of annoyance on his face. 

“I’m not.” Rey rolled her eyes as she moved to one of the shelves, pressing the keypad and lifting the case. “Not when these might have the answers I need.”

_ Are we going to talk about what you said? _

“No.” Rey said firmly and shook her head. 

_ I feel it too. I have. For longer than I thought I was capable of. _

Rey bristled, “I said  _ no _ .”

_ Sorry. _ I just…

“Not now.” Rey sighed, plopping down on the ground to skim through the first book she’d grabbed. She scooted back and leaned against the bookshelf, propping the book against her legs. 

Ben grew silent. For a fleeting moment, she wondered once more if he was just a figment of her imagination. An attempt to cope with the loss of one half of herself. 

“What do you know about the dyad?”

Ben sighed,  _ Not much unfortunately. Just that we were two people that were bound by the universe to wield immense power when joined together.  _

Rey chewed on her bottom lip thoughtfully, turning the page and skimming through the material. “Why create such a force in the universe, only to tear it apart? Before it even had a chance.” 

Through their connection, Ben reached out and ghost his fingers over her arm. It felt as though he was sitting beside her, an arm casually draped over her shoulders. A comfort she’d never truly known from him. They had been at odds with one another for so long — on separate sides of the galaxy and the war, playing hide and seek with one another. But connected; bound to one another. Something powerful. A power cut short by his sacrifice. 

“Do you think the dyad is why you’re still here? Why you’re still part of me?” Rey questioned hesitantly. 

_ I don’t know. Palpatine insinuated that dyads lived and died together — but that doesn’t seem accurate.  _

Rey shifted to the side, trying to lean into empty air. “Then I need to research the dyad. If we were made by the universe to be  _ together _ — then the universe had to follow through.” She started flipping through the pages, skimming for any mention of resurrection or the dyad. 

She moved onto her knees, placing the book back on the shelf before grabbing the next one. She resumed her previous position, reading it through in silence. 

What if she didn’t find any answers here? Where could they go next? She’d have to return to her friends at some point. They’d worry about her and then come and track her down — a scene she didn’t want to deal with. 

But if this turned up empty handed, she had no idea where to go next. Her knowledge of the Jedi practices, while Leia had tried to teach her, was limited. Her knowledge of what existed out in the galaxy, the planets and their beliefs, was even more limited. 

_ Kamino may prove useful. They specialized in cloning for a period of time. Their medical and scientific technology has always been lorded as advanced. Perhaps they have some knowledge.  _

“I forget you can hear my thoughts.” Rey remarked as she grabbed another book off the shelf, flipping through the pages and pausing briefly at a portion of the archive that mentioned the death of a Jedi. “Not everyone becomes one with the Force. How riveting.” She said dryly. 

_ I try not to. To listen in. But these thoughts pop into my mind… your mind, I suppose. If I don’t focus on my own thoughts, I drift.  _

“What does it feel like?” She questioned, checking the pages surrounding the mention of dying for anything useful. 

_ Being like this? _

Rey nodded. “I know what you said yesterday, but… When you touch me, can you feel it?”

He shrugged and she could feel the disappointment ebb through him.  _ Sort of. It’s like a tickle of sensation. You’re warm.  _

“You’re cold.” Rey closed the book and looked to where she swore she felt him beside her. “It’s strange how I feel you within me and beside me.” Her cheeks flushed lightly, “I could  _ feel  _ you during our little…  _ encounter _ . Your touch felt real, but only when you touch me.” She reached out and swiped her hand through empty air. “It doesn’t make any sense.”

_ None of it really does. _

Rey picked up the book and grabbed the next. Flipping through it provided her more of the same.  _ Nothing _ . Her frustration boiled hotly in her veins and she sank back against the bookshelf defeated. 

_ You still have many more books to read. Don’t give up.  _

“I’m not giving up.” She said through gritted teeth. “I’m just angry.  _ So _ angry.” Rey slumped back against the bookshelf. “After I stabbed you, I realized I didn’t want to live without you. But it seemed impossible. You and I. And then, for a fleeting second I thought that we had defeated the Emperor and that we finally had a chance. I just keep replaying that moment in my mind. Your smile.”

Rey swore she felt his lips against her cheek, a flutter of cool comfort against her skin.  _ You need to go back to your friends Rey. I know you think you’ve got this handled, but you can’t do this alone. _

“I’m not alone! I have you.” Rey frowned, knowing she felt like a petulant child. “They won’t understand. I didn’t even tell them the truth.” She clenched her eyes closed. “I didn’t know how.”

_ I know. I was there. I don’t blame you. What we had… is something only you and I understand.  _

“Look,” Rey started quietly, sitting the book aside and sitting up straight, legs tucked beneath her. “Everything I knew was turned on its head. I learned who my parents were. Where I come from. I realized that there’s a fine line between hate and love. There was no time to process any of it. Like a cargo freight plummeting off its tracks. I couldn’t stop and wrap my head around any of this.”

_ Rey— _

“If I go back, I have to explain to them that I loved you. I can tell Sabé because she doesn’t know. She’s removed from the situation. I can admit it, here — when it’s just me sitting in this room _ alone _ . Because you don’t try to bring someone back to life if you didn’t care deeply for them.” Rey fidgeted with her tunic. “I didn’t even know I knew what  _ love  _ was. Not until I lost you. Sure, I love Finn with all of my heart. And Poe has grown on me. But it’s different. I’m still half convinced I’ve gone mad, Ben. That all of this is a fever dream.”

_ I never understood love either. I adored my parents — but their image of love felt uneven. I know they loved each other, but it wasn’t enough to make their relationship work. And I saw it. And I knew I didn’t want that. I loved my Uncle, until he turned on me. I loved the Temple and my peers and advisors. I loved that life, but then it shattered at the seams. Love has always meant loss to me.  _ An ache resonated from within the essence of him and she felt it, leaching into her own spirit.  _ I knew if I turned I would die. I knew if I returned to the light, I would pay for what I had done. I wanted you to come to the dark side with me, because I knew we would both be safe. But what sort of life would that have been? Instead, I knew what I had to do when the time came. I knew that I loved you, but I knew that meant I would die. One final act to prove myself to you. This was always my destiny if I turned to the light. _

Rey felt tears sliding down her cheeks and she clenched her eyes closed tighter. “Then why even give me a false hope that I can change the end of our story?”

_ Because maybe you can. You’ve already done the impossible, time and time again, Rey. You are… incredible. But you can’t do this alone. As much as I don’t relish being trapped here with you and those two… friends of yours. You can’t do this alone.  _

“So,  _ what _ ?” Rey sniffed loudly. “I go back and convince them to fly around the galaxy looking for a way to bring my dead  _ lover _ back? Surprise! Finn might consider it, but Poe—”

_ Is a hot headed bully.  _

“He’s not a fan of you either.” Rey laughed bitterly. “Neither is Finn, but he’s more idealistic about things. He sees the colour, where Poe’s very black and white.” 

_ Maybe. But they believe in you. I have seen that with my own eyes. You have friends, lean on them. Don’t isolate yourself. Don’t give into that anger.  _

“Who knew Ben Solo was so wise.” Rey countered weakly. 

_ Comes with becoming a Force ghost.  _

Rey snorted. “And funny too.”

_ Funny. I don’t think I’ve ever been called that before.  _

She smiled wistfully. “It’s a dry sort of humor. I appreciate it.” Rey closed her eyes, focusing on an image she slowly constructed within her mind. All she truly wanted. He was there, standing before her — his arms wrapped around her, keeping her tightly pressed to his chest. She felt safe, at long last. 

As much as she had enjoyed their little rush to find intimacy in their bond yesterday, she felt somewhat awkward about navigating it again. But this, this she could handle, picturing herself being dwarfed in his warm embrace. 

_ I look forward to the day that I can hold you like this for real.  _ Ben drawled out quietly, his voice sounding so real in the moment. As though he were there with her. She opened her eyes too fast, too hopeful — only to find herself alone among the books. 

“I should keep reading.” Rey cleared her throat and rose to her feet to put the discarded book back on the shelf. She went to another stack, snatching a new book to read. “These texts are incredibly dull. If we get to rebuild the order, I purpose more pictures.”

_ Is that something you want? _

“Shouldn’t we? Others have awoken. Couldn’t you feel them?” Rey questioned. “Shouldn’t they have a chance to learn what we know?” 

_ Yes. But you still can. Even if there isn’t a way. You and Finn.  _

“You  _ know _ ?” Of course he did. He knew everything she knew now. “Did you know before?”

_ Suspected. When he broke out of the Stormtrooper training… I sensed something. But my focus was on you. Does he intend to pursue it? _

“I don’t know. He’s been so focused on carving a life out for himself. We didn’t get much of a chance to even discuss it before I left.” Rey paused mid-page turn. “I  _ should _ answer is call.”

_ You’re allowed to grieve for me, Rey. Even while you’re trying to fix this.  _

“We should’ve been celebrating.”

_ We both know I wouldn’t have been welcome at that party.  _

“If anyone tried anything, they would’ve needed to get through me first.” Rey said harshly. “And who could say no to you, if you smiled at them.”

_ That is for you alone, Rey.  _

“When you’re back, I expect to see a lot of it.”

_ That’s a promise I would love to make.  _

“Then make it.”

_ I promise.  _


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still haven't processed last night. I spent the day outlining for another story that'll pick up after TLJ and explore a potential scenario the finale could've afforded us.

_You still haven’t listened to their message._

Rey rolled onto her side and tucked her arm under her head. She pursed her lips together and frowned.”I will.” A button above her head flashed a dim red light — a reminder that they had a communication waiting to be listened to. _They_. It was such a novel concept, when in reality it was only her. 

_Why are you hesitating?_

“Because I don’t know how to explain anything to them. I made the mistake of telling Finn that I saw myself on Palpatine’s throne and… I know he’ll look at me differently now.”

 _Because of me_.

“Obviously.”

 _So testy_.

Rey flopped back onto her back and huffed. “I can’t imagine why.”

_Rey._

She flushed lightly. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Rey pulled the covers up over her head. “I’m very new at all of this, Ben. These feelings. I still feel mortified to even consider them.” 

_I am too._

“So you’ve never…?”

Ben sighed heavily. _I had a brief encounter when I was at the Temple. You can’t tell a bunch of hormonal preteens that you’ll never be allowed to have sex. She didn’t even talk to me afterwards. She scratched the itch and moved on._

Rey felt a spike of jealousy and then annoyance when Ben had the audacity to chuckle at her flare of jealousy. “Oh, shut it.”

_If it makes you feel any better, that was seventeen years ago._

“You know how to make a girl feel special.”

_Here I thought dying for you might mean something. What do men do these days?_

“Are you smiling?”

_Wish you could see it._

“Me too.” Rey said wistfully, promising herself that she wouldn’t cry. Again. She hated it. 

The bed shifted slightly and she tensed for a second out of old instincts, preparing for an attack, but instead she felt the brush of lips against her cheek. _Can you feel the smile?_

Rey reached up, finding nothing but cold empty air once more. But his lips remained solid against her cheek, she could feel the curve upwards. She knew how sweet it looked. A vivid memory burned into her memory. “I can.” She whispered before she turned her head and caught the phantom touch with her own lips. 

Ben paused at first, but then his lips moved slowly against her own. It felt more real when his mouth moved, even the faint brush of his tongue felt like flesh and blood. But when she moved too fast, tried to deepen the kiss — it felt like opening and closing her mouth into cold empty air. 

It fanned the flames of want that she knew they couldn’t sate. Ben must’ve sensed her growing frustration that _nothing_ could come from the situation, because as quickly as the kiss had begun he was gone just as quickly.

“Ben, wait.” Rey whispered, foolishly grabbing at the empty air in an attempt to pull him back. It wasn’t fair that he wasn’t _there_. At least she’d been able to see Luke — he’d been able to pull a ship out of the ocean from beyond the grave. But Ben… he just ceased to exist. Gone without reason. That hurt most of all wait. “Wait, please don’t just go.” 

_I shouldn’t have… you’re not comfortable._

“It’s not that,” She insisted, even though she knew that he _knew_ that it was part of the issue. “Not entirely. I feel like everything I’ve wanted in life has been denied. Nothing makes sense anymore Ben. None of it. I wondered for _years_ about my parents and all along I knew who they were, I just blocked those memories out. And Luke and Leia both knew all along who I was? They never chose to tell me. All of this could’ve been prevented if I had known. If both of us had known.” 

_Neither of them were very good with handling situations. Look at how I was handled. How differently things could’ve been if they trusted me as a child. If they had listened. Perhaps they thought they’d protect you_ —

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” Rey snapped harshly. “Don’t feed me that garbage when we both know they didn’t tell me because they were cowards.” She curled into herself on her side, drawing her knees into her chest. “I thought we would get answers from the archives. I feel hopeless. Like _this_ is all you and I can ever have. And that hurts.” 

_Please go back to your friends. Let them comfort you and then… I’ll still be here when you’re ready to talk again._

“Please don’t go away.” Rey begged quietly. “What if you don’t come back?”

 _I will_. 

Rey laughed bitterly. “That’s what they all say.” 

_Rey_. 

“I thought you were leaving.”

_Well, now I’m not going anywhere._

“Good.” Rey pressed the heels of her palms into against her eyes and let out a frustrated cry. “I can’t catch a kriffing break, Ben. For a brief foolish second I let myself _hope_ and then I was quickly reminded why I spent my whole life avoiding hope. I counted each day that passed, hoping that my parents would return. Years and years and all along I knew they were dead. Is that what this is? Am I delaying the inevitable? Avoiding the acceptance that I lost part of myself. That’s why I’m afraid to go back. Finn and Poe won’t let me wallow. They won’t let me avoid accepting this. Because they won’t understand. They never saw you for who you became. Your sacrifice….” She raked a hand through her hair as she sat up on the bed suddenly. 

She was delaying the inevitable. Running away from accepting that Ben might truly be gone. Running from her friends to mask her grief. He was right — she needed them.

 _I know_. Ben whispered. 

“I’m not giving up.” She insisted as she reached above her head and pressed the red flashing button. A small hologram of Finn appeared before her. 

“Heya Rey! We were wondering where you ran off to. I’m sure you’re getting your head on straight and all that, but we could really use you back on the base. Still got lots to do to around here and we both know Poe’s useless.”

From off the hologram Poe could be heard grumbling something that sounded like, “I heard that.” 

“ _Anyways_. I hope you’re good, yeah. I get that you’ve got stuff going on and all that, but I miss you. You didn’t even say where you were going and you turned off the tracking beacon. You are coming back right?” Finn looked dejected and Rey’s frown only deepened. “Come back soon Rey. Love you.” The connection cut off and Rey pursed her lips, trying to mask her emotions even though she knew he already knew all of them as true as she felt them herself. 

“I’m going back.” Rey grumbled, teeth clenched together as she climbed off the bed and headed into the cockpit of the cruiser, BB-8 rolling along beside her chirping excitedly. “Are you happy now, Ben?”

He didn’t answer, not with words at least. She felt a surge of affection that she knew wasn’t her own and her heart fluttered in response. He wanted the best for her. Rey knew it. His sacrifice had proven that to her. But she knew that what was best for her was _him_. 

“And then, I’ll get them to help me go through the texts and figure out how to get you back.” She said with a small smile curving at the corners of her lips. “And then we can go to Kamino and see if they know anything about bringing you back. Don’t think I’m giving up on you. I’m not like everyone else.”

* * *

Rey didn’t unload on Finn until her third day back on the base. She spent the entirety of the first day reassimilating; adjusting to the sense of relief and elation that she seemed immune to. She knew that Finn _knew_ that something was wrong — he wore a worried look every time he looked at her, but he never asked her what was wrong. Ben was quiet, too quiet. So quiet that Rey wondered if she’d imagined the whole thing, but then she’d feel an emotion that wasn’t quite her own. A bristled annoyance towards Poe that went past her own frustrations with the man. 

Ben was there, alive within her. His spirit sharing space within her. 

“I have something I need to tell you,” Rey said to Finn as the sun was starting to set on the third day. She curled her fingers around his hand and guided him away from the others as they celebrated and toasted to yet another day of freedom from war. 

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” Finn frowned. “I mean, at least you’re telling me this time. How long?”

“No, it’s not that…”

“It’s not?” He arched a brow. “But you’ve been so… sad. I figured you were preparing to leave us all again.” 

“That’s not why I’m sad.” Rey pursed her lips together, squeezing his hand tightly. “You know how I told you about what I saw? Kylo Ren and I… on the throne.”

_You told him?_

Rey flinched. _Be quiet_. 

“Rey?” Finn squeezed her hand back and cocked his head to the side, concern creasing the corners of his eyes. “Are you feeling the pull from the Dark Side?” 

Rey shook her head and stared down at her feet. “I love him.”

“Him, who?” 

“Ben.”

“I thought you said he died.” 

“He did, but he’s still with me.” Rey said, chancing a curious look at Finn then. He stared at her as dumbfounded as she felt. 

Finn opened and closed his mouth several times before he finally sputtered out, “Are you pregnant?”

 _Is it possible to die from secondhand embarrassment when you're already dead? Because this is it for me._

“Would you shut up?” Rey said sharply, realizing she’d said it outloud, rather than to the voice in her head. “No, Finn! I’m not pregnant.” She shook her hand loose from his hold. “It’s not like _that_. I died. He brought me back to life at the cost of himself. He literally vanished in front of me, but…. I still hear him.”

“Like a Force ghost? Like what you said about Luke?”

She shook her head. “It’s different. I can’t see him. I can feel him…. Hear him.” Rey shrugged, at a loss for words. 

“Well that’s… _different_.”

“I don’t think he’s dead. Not really.” 

_Embarrassment has killed me_. 

“Cool it with the cocky commentary.”

“I didn’t say anything!” Finn stared at her, before it finally snapped into focus. “Wait… is he—” He dropped his voice low, “Here right now?”

“He’s always with me.” Rey shrugged. “But I want your help. And Poe too.” 

“To do what?”

“Bring him back to life.”

“ _Rey_ …” Finn clenched his teeth and made a face. “He died. People don’t come back from that.”

“I died too.” Rey said quietly. “I died. I was gone. And there was just…. _Nothing_.” She could feel the way Ben reacted to her words, a confession she hadn’t even let herself think about since it happened. “I don’t want that for him, Finn. Not if I can do something about it.” 

“And you… _love_ him?” 

“Ben Solo, yes. Not Kylo Ren.” _Maybe Kylo Ren too_. Rey bit down on her bottom lip and shook her head. “It’s not going to be easy. We already started trying to trackdown information. Naboo. That’s where I was.”

“ _We_ ?” Finn arched a brow. “So like, he’s _really_ here? Isn’t he?” He reached out and tapped on her forehead. “Are you in there Kylo Ren?” 

Ben let out a genuine laugh at that. _How do you put up with him?_

_Are you always this… I don’t even know the word?_

_I am my father’s son._

Rey smirked. “He’s in there.” _I’ve heard the stories about your father._

“You really went to Naboo, huh?” Finn clicked his tongue against his teeth. “You’ve been putting some good travel miles in. You’ve been everywhere lately.” 

She shrugged. “And not done yet. We need to go to Kamino.” Rey folded her arms across her chest. “We still have a lot to look through in the archives we collected in Naboo, but Kamino might have an answer. It’s a longshot.”

“Longshots tend to work for us.” Finn nudged her in the shoulder. 

“That’s what I’m banking on.” 

“So what _are_ we looking for?”

_Damn, he’s going along with this plan._

Rey stood a little taller then. _Finn’s the easy one_. “Well, I don’t know. Ben told me that Kamino has fairly advanced medical and scientific knowledge. They may know something.” 

Finn pressed his lips together and nodded thoughtfully. “Alright. I mean, there’s still a lot to be done here. Poe’s _not_ going to be happy about this.”

_Is he ever happy about anything?_

Rey rolled her eyes.

“What did he say?”

“Nothing.” Rey insisted with a smirk. “If you could believe, he’s funny.” 

“Wow.” Finn made a face. “This just keeps getting stranger…” He stepped towards Rey and reached out to press his palm against her forehead.

“What are you doing?” Rey tried to bat his hand away.

“Checking to see if you have a fever.”

Her amusement gave way. “You don’t believe me?”

“I mean…. I _do_ .” Finn held his hands up in mock surrender. “But it’s also the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. You love Kylo Ren? He’s dead, but he’s _in_ you? He’s funny.” He snorted a laugh. “Come on, Rey. This seems like a weird story to me. You don’t have to tell me where you went, you know. I know you’re dealing with stuff…”

 _Fuck, I’m sorry Rey_ . Ben whispered to her and for a brief moment she felt his arm slip around her waist and the other around her shoulders in a short-lived embrace. _I didn’t think…_

 _Don’t_. Rey urged the voice in her mind. “Finn I’m telling the truth. I can show you all of the archives he led me to. Luke once told him that texts from the original Jedi Temple had been salvaged by—”

“By Obi-Wan Kenobi. Taken to Naboo. A friend of their mother’s. Right?” Finn finished for her, crossing his arms across her chest and giving her a sympathetic look that made everything within her wilt.

“How did you know?”

“It’s in the texts you have from Luke.” Finn said soberly. “You must’ve seen them when you were training. That’s not new information, Rey.” 

Rey stared at her friend in sheer horror as the realization washed over her. _I am crazy_. 

_You’re not crazy Rey. Rey, sweetheart, you’re not crazy._

_None of this is real._ She thought, before speaking. “Is any of this real?” Panic clawed its way through her. It felt like a beast ripping her apart from inside. Her chest tight, lungs unable to draw in a full breath. None of it was real. Ben was dead. She was just deluding herself. He was dead. He died to save her. He vanished and he was gone. 

While Finn seemed to flounder with how to react to Rey’s sudden panic attack, leaving her to crumple to her knees before he shouted out for Poe. _He’ll be fucking useless!_ Ben hissed in Rey’s mind, a flash of anger lashing out that did nothing to ease her anxiety. 

_None of this is real. None of this is real._

Ben wrapped himself around her, arms feeling nearly real as they attempted to ground her as she sank further and further into herself. Hope shattering all over again. _Focus on my voice. Focus on me Rey. Breathe. That’s it. In and out. Slow! Sorry. Slow._

Rey clenched eyes closed tightly and tried to focus on his voice. To focus on the realness of the moment. Arms wrapped around her; making her feel small but safe in his hold. Breath dancing over the back of her neck as he pressed his face there. She swore she could feel his lips brushing against her skin. 

“That’s it Rey,” Ben urged her. “Keep breathing. In and out. Just focus on me. This is real Ray. All of it is real. But you’re safe. I’ve got you.” 

“Holy shit.” Finna whispered. 

Poe echoed his own shock, “What the fuck?” 

Rey opened her eyes slowly, staring up at the looks of surprise worn on her friends’ faces. She glanced down, barely able to register the pair of arms wrapped around her — flesh and blood, pale skin with a dusting of black hair — before they were gone. “Ben!”

“He was here.” Finn’s jaw dropped.

“Someone better catch me up to speed right this fucking second.” Poe said with an edge to his voice, wagging his finger at Finn before giving Rey a guarded look. “You said that monster died. This is that bond shit, isn’t it? Fucking shit. You know, this is the last thing I need right now.” He stomped a foot and shook his head. “What did I just witness?”

Finn grabbed his partner’s arm and urged him to calm down with his eyes. “Rey needs us.” 

“ _What_?”

Rey let out a near-hysterical laugh. _How did you do that? You were here! You were real. Ben… I can save you._

_I don’t know. I just knew you needed me. I just pushed and pushed until I was there. I could feel everything._

“You mean to tell me that Kylo Ren is still alive?” Poe looked between Finn and Rey. “And _in_ her?”

“Kylo Ren is dead, but Ben Solo… he has a chance.”

“That prick?” Poe huffed and rolled his eyes. 

Rey levelled him with a look as she stood up. “Quit being a child, _General_.” 

“Do you hear what I put up with?” Poe gave Finn a look that earned him no sympathy. “So what do you want from me? Why am I here?”

“Because, you’re going to help go on a mission to bring back General Organa’s son. In her memory.” Rey lifted her chin proudly. “Because now I know there’s hope.”

Poes pressed his tongue to the inside of his cheek for an agonizingly long moment of contemplation. “Well, who am I to turn my back on hope?”

Rey pushed off on her heels and launched herself into their arms, hugging her friends tightly. 

_I’m coming for you Ben. Wherever you are._


End file.
